Month: November 2006

For You

There is a song I could talk you about, or maybe a song that could talk you about me.

This shit right here is for you
all your faces I can see

you all think it’s about me

I’m about to break
This is my fate
Am I still damned to a life
of misery and hate?

You will never know
what I did for you
what you all
put me through

I’ve done it for you
I could have
never loved
if it wasn’t…

for you…

(Korn – 4 U)

This represents how I feel. And it ain’t feeling good. Anyway while talking with [SkiD] last night, he shown me his thoughts about what’s been just written. And I’m going to show thoughts differences.

My life is mostly based on hatred. Who I am now, I owe it to rage, hatred, rancour, to the people who betrayed me and that firstly I forced on their knees, then made them crawl, then made them dig their own tomb place. And no matter how hard I try to get out of this, I just can’t. I try with all my strength to destroy all the obstacles which get in front of me, I try hardly to build something good, but no matter what I do I still get doors slammed on my nose, even from people that I helped without asking nothing in exchange. And this makes me sad, leaving me a sense of emptiness and misery at first, and then hatred towards the ones who deserve it.

[SkiD] still refuses this point of view: «If you have a single dollar and had costs of billions and billions, you still have that single dollar, so you’re not deep red». And he added to the theorem that if so many people respect me I can’t just consider my life as miserable, since I have something very rare which is pretty hard to find in this world.

It made me think. I avoid deep details of the discussion sine it would be too personal, but it made me think. A lot. I always thought/knew that I was hurting me quite intentionally, or not avoiding to in any way. «Every artist is a cannibal, every poet is a thief, all kill their inspiration and sing about the grief».

But I’m sick of this aswell. I don’t wanna feel like this anymore, I don’t wanna know about it anymore, been there, done that. If I go ahead I find misery, if I stay still I find hatred, if I step back, which is not even possible, I find everything that made me change. And I changed a lot, I assure you.

Do something good and forget about it, do something bad and always remember about it. He reminded me of this aswell last night, and this also made me think. I have the worst vice ever, which is do what my heart says, for good or worse, but especially for good. And as already stated before I always do it without asking nothing in exchange, I always did it and still doing it because I want to and because it makes me feel good. I want no thankfulness. Wise man said: «thankfulness is just a pure and genuine wish to receive more privileges». I always gave, rarely took, always thought about others first, rarely about me, and even when no matter what all the good things I’ve done I’ve been backstabbed I didn’t got out of shape. I sought, awaited, found and tasted revenge, that’s true, but never got out of shape, and I didn’t ever regret of everything I did for them.

Anyway, as time passes by I ask myself what I’m doing, why I’m doing it and what I expect to get out of my behaviour. He planted the seed of doubt in me.

What is it that I’m looking for?

Overreaction

Sometimes I overreact. I know it, I’m perfectly aware of it. And sometimes I overreact on someone. If this someone, as in 99.8% of cases, is someone I don’t care about, the problem does not subsist. On the other hand, if we’re talkin about that 0.02%, well then… it’s gonna be an utter prick.

This is the time of someone who is in that 0.02% of people I actually care about. Someone who got caught in the middle, made a mistake in good faith, but twisted my nerves. I got mad at this person, that’s true, but I know that sometimes I overreacted, at least with this person. And on the other side, now I feel like shit. So, all in all, now I’m not just pissed off, I’m sad also.

It wasn’t like this before, or better it still was but the situation was different: I had musics before, now I don’t anymore. When I was really made before I picked up my beloved guitar, connect it to mine even more beloved amplifier, fired up its 125 watts and shaked the ground (and we’re talkin about 32cm of concrete here). And that very same ground shaking freed me up, depured me. If I sang along with my raging voice then, result was just perfect.

Now I don’t have all of this anymore. I don’t have all of this from more than a year, when I passed the amplifier to a friend of [SkiD], askin him to fix it, and I don’t know IF and WHEN I will ever get it back in my hands. [SkiD] can’t be blamed about this, but now I really feel like in an outside world. I can’t consume my rage.

And I’m not into martial arts anymore, cause I got no time… I’m not into karate, nor capoeira, nor philippine kali… and I don’t drink anymore, and I don’t smoke anymore… I don’t have relieves, not even temporary.

To compensate that, new problems arise. I got a job which a lot would die for, but I don’t like doing it and I can’t get in the mood to just go outside and work, or more specifically, to do this very kind of job. Nontheless bosses ask, customers look up for you, time is short, too short to let you have a life of your own in the meanwhile. Some time ago, for good or worse, I found some relief into that “hobby” called net, telematical-cybernetical place where I found myself spending the greatest part of my time when I was still studying, and that stills fills up a lot of time on my shedule. And in this world, problems tend to grow up, and I just don’t know what to do anymore…

For those who still don’t know it, I am now in charge of a clan of an italian national tv show called L33T, and to be more specifical, the game I am talkin about is War Rock, an MMOFPS. This means I got responsibilities toward all clan member, and that I also need to act best for the sake of my team. And not only that. I am now become responsible for one of the 4 sections of this show’s forum, and this, as the word talks by itself, means that I got more responsibilities. I’m obviously proud of all of this, both of the fact that they found a leader for the clan in me, and the fact they thought me I was good enough for the responsibility. Still all of this is adding “charge” to my current situation.

And can you “code an elite check” for your little friends? I would have replied “mind if I got a life?” but I didnt, cause more probably I really got no life. People calls me from just anywhere, and is literally takin away every single little pice of energy I got left. And don’t you wanna think about “what to do when I grow up”? Of course, you already got a job, and related things, but if this life is not good enough for you then why not change it?

Overreactive. Nervous. Hypertense. Moodswinger. Violent. Crazy. Borderline. Obsessive-Compulsive. <Add your word here>. These are things which describe me, and always did. Or maybe not always.

There was a time as they tell me, when I was “always smiling”, when I never cried, when if I was alone in my cradle, without nobody around, being hungy, I didn’t cry: I sang. Never liked silence too much, I’ve always been inclined to make noise, but more and more recently I found myself listening to its noise and sound, as Simon & Garfunkel used to sing. There was a time I was happy, now I don’t know if I am anymore, if I ever knew it at all.

But at that time I had many friends. At that time I was in love. At that time I had a girl. At that time I didn’t yet get betrayed by my best friends. At that time I still had music. At that time I found demoscene aswell. At that time I had multiple safety valves. At that time I always had clear in mind what I wanted to do. And then, when I had doubts about the possibility to do the things I had in mind at that time, I still did go on anyway. At that time I used to assimilate as much knowledge as possible. And now that I have more knowledge than most of the people, I regret that time where I didn’t, and when I could wake up everyday without thougts harrassing my mind.

But these, as it’s well known, are other times.

Sometimes I feel like I have a tiny piece of serenity, but with just as much nonchalance I am able to screw up my life, and to make every little thing that little piece did just useless. And the fact of not knowing, for good or worse, if this, the case of the 0.02%, is a total destruction of what I slowly tried to create, is killing me.

It’s pretty well known, I seek problems. But I can assure you that if I don’t seek problems, it’s problem who seek me. And I must have some mother fucking transmitter installed on me, cause they always find me.

And in these moments I just can’t stop thinkin about what happened a few days ago… the first boss’ child, 21 years old, died. He was driving, and he brought another 3 people with him, and one is pretty critical and about to die aswell. He had money, he was happy, he didn’t have to care about anything, he was just like me, just more rich, he always wanted to party. He is now dead.

When I think about this I feel sad. I lived four years more than him, and I usually say that I don’t want to live forever, and that I’d just like to have it over soon, still I feel like having someone like him dead means there’s something wrong. And that after all I should be glad of what I have, and try not to screw it up.

I don’t know if I already screwed it all up, and now that I think about it it’s even more ironic, as I took those words from U2 – Dirty Day as something to always remember, but I just didn’t this time around. What can I say…

Be careful where you aim
cause where you aim you just might hit
and when you hold on to something so tight
you’ve already lost it