First of all you have to know that this post will be very, very long…
Before even beginning, I will post the lyric of a song which describes me pretty well at the moment. Note that most lyrics are translated from Italian to English, so don’t yell if you don’t catch rhymes. Also, as I did it all, translations might be not as accurate as I wanted them to, although I did my best…
I’m alone, hunted down like a dog I don’t move, I die if I bark, I shut my mouth and stay kneed while the sound of anguish rises and hurts me, thin as a spike heel… holes in my heart, I bleed, tears which scream like megaphones which don’t stop and rape the darkness which bandages my eyes, a soft darkness, as a jellyfishes curtain which caresses my face with a whirr, I percept hostile sights of terror hungered animals which look into me, and from memory fogs they get back, and bite my soul in a sadic game, and I turn into a mouse in a cat pack. Naked, like a coleopteran on top of a fork, I await, but the executioner has no rush, and in the meanwhile sharpens the axe on the anguish which keeps me close to it, like a mantis jealous of her meal, which freezes my sweat into alabaster drops set on my forehead, which sleep deeply into me like shards of irrational paroxysm, and there’s no law that could control me because I’m goin crazy…
(You choosed to hit, I will defend) x8
Like an obsessed I slowly swing my head, from side to side like bears in the zoos, and in a delirium I feel like chocking up, adrenaline rises with a flash and I open wide my mouth in a silent scream, and the anguish suddenly steps back and relaxes, because there is death, made of leather, with a whip, I swallow my spittle and I enjoy it, and so if this has to be my final hour I say “Please: after you, Madame”
(Confront yourself now with your enemy, for the last time, with your head up) x4
(Frankie Hi-NRG-MC – La Cattura (The Capture))
There are also other verses, such as «It’s hard to be courageous, in a world that doesn’t care for you» (Exilia – I Guess You Know), as «I keep distance from me because I want to have nothing to do with myself, with whom, like myself, does nothing to correct ownselves: I’m my enemy, mi bitterest enemy. Warder of myself, with the key in my pocket I ask for freedom, but for now I know that this cell will be kept barred, with a triple-locked from inside: I’m the damned soul put there to guard my hell» (Frankie Hi-NRG-MC – Autodafè), «In bad company especially if I’m alone, negative as Gs in a freefall, I get airborn, rise, stall and await the worst, which is not the fall, but the landing» (Frankie Hi-NRG-MC – Autodafè), «I see your faces, I have no place, I have to run and hide all my pain. I don’t like this world, ’cause something is wrong» (Exilia – The World is Falling Down) and I stop here… at least for now…
Now the The Garden of Delights begins (for the ones who do not know the painter named Hieronymus Bosch… SHAME ON YOU!!). I skip the most painful part (for certain aspects), resuming it with a thought of mine of this morning: “When somebody runs with the hare and hunts with the hounds, someone will definitely and irreparably get hurt”. After all the this pain I felt I started writing again… enough said… I didn’t write a song in ages…
Anyway, this day started at the sign of tragedy.
I fall asleep, since I wanted to get up around 7 o’clock to start visiting my customers. I wake up around 3:40am, feeling already that a tragedy would be coming up. Watch some TV, get back to sleep, and hardly fall back to sleep… mobile rings up at 7 o’clock, I shut it down and get back to sleep… second mobile rings at 7:15am, I shut it down aswell and get back to sleep… I wake up, knowing that I’m hugely late, watch my clock and realize it’s 9:56. Hotel’s check-out is maximum at 10 o’clock. I start being blaspheme early at morning.
But of course I don’t give up, I dress up as quickly as possible, throw everything back into the suitcase, get out, ask the bill at the reception. But PC doesn’t work… after several tries I tell her that it doesn’t matter, and start singing softly “it’s a fuckin baaaad daaaaaaaaaay”. I give her my home address and she says they will be sending me. No problem.
Get into my care, do some little match, I understand that I couldn’t visit all the customers of the near cities before 12 o’clock, so I decide to skip a couple less important customers and go on as planned. And that’s exactly what happened, perfectly, so perfectly that I found myself a few miles away from my last customer in perfect time.
I start thinking about two girls, Barbie & Asteria, and I start thinking that since I would be close to Siena early in the afternoon I could have visited them in Florence. I see cops car in front of me in the same moment: I check my speed, touch my brakes a little, but I didn’t realize that there was a STOP signal. I go straight, a car comes from my left, it avoids me by the skin of the teeth, I salute death which caressed my hand, countersteer, I throw myself into the rightmost lane and… miracle… I’m alive, he/she’s alive, noone got hurt, no crashes. I check my GPS and I go on heading toward my customer. When I’m about 2000 feet away from him I see the cops car, which was before close to the STOP signal, and I immediately realized that this time I’m really screwed up. I go on praying that they are not chasing me, but their light signal trashes my hope. The cop comes toward me, pretty upset aswell, and after the usual “License & Pink Slip”, some “what are you doing here?”, a “did you realize what you just do?”, a “look as my hands are shaking… I was about to die… do you think I did not realize it?!?” of mine, he chills out and, once set his view on his car he says: “stay there, I’m gonna write a report”. Result: a € 138 (about $175) worth fine, and 6 points (out of 22) taken out of my license. For the ones of you who don’t know, in Italy they started points-like Driving Licences: if you shits like I did they take back point. When you have no points left they take away your license. Sucks, doesn’t it? Especially I considered I need it to work, for fucks sake… but anyway…
Note. When you get away from death and think “I wish I could have died there”, there evidently is some problem. But let’s go on…
Thinking about it I realized that I never did any infraction, never hit a car, never crashed, and this time I was about to die but nothing happened… but… THE FUCKING COPS BEAT THE FUCK OUTTA ME!! Figuratively speaking, of course…
Anyway I continued with my trip, got depressed, bought a Jack Daniels bottle and a package of Marlboro (notice that I quit smoking 2 years and a half ago, and quit drinking 2 years ago) and I took the highway toward home. And I found a bunch of cars stuck and lined up worth more than 3 miles, give or take.
Anyway, once back home, at the end of this all, I maybe found a light of the tunnel…
Now I just wish that it’s not the same thing described by Chambers in Should I Fall, which is: «it’s an illusion, no guiding light, our mother’s dead and gone, we’re all alone, my brother see: this twinkling shine’s a perfidious black butterfly»…
What could I say…
Should I fall
Should I fall
Should I fall for you
Should I fall
Should I fall
Should I follow you
PS: a dear public thank you to sephicloud, because no matter if I bugged her in the last few days, she has always been very disposable, and she gave me a little hope… or at least she tried, but I am, and it’s well known, a desperate case 😉