There is a song I could talk you about, or maybe a song that could talk you about me.
This shit right here is for you
all your faces I can see
you all think it’s about me
I’m about to break
This is my fate
Am I still damned to a life
of misery and hate?
You will never know
what I did for you
what you all
put me through
I’ve done it for you
I could have
if it wasn’t…
(Korn – 4 U)
This represents how I feel. And it ain’t feeling good. Anyway while talking with [SkiD] last night, he shown me his thoughts about what’s been just written. And I’m going to show thoughts differences.
My life is mostly based on hatred. Who I am now, I owe it to rage, hatred, rancour, to the people who betrayed me and that firstly I forced on their knees, then made them crawl, then made them dig their own tomb place. And no matter how hard I try to get out of this, I just can’t. I try with all my strength to destroy all the obstacles which get in front of me, I try hardly to build something good, but no matter what I do I still get doors slammed on my nose, even from people that I helped without asking nothing in exchange. And this makes me sad, leaving me a sense of emptiness and misery at first, and then hatred towards the ones who deserve it.
[SkiD] still refuses this point of view: «If you have a single dollar and had costs of billions and billions, you still have that single dollar, so you’re not deep red». And he added to the theorem that if so many people respect me I can’t just consider my life as miserable, since I have something very rare which is pretty hard to find in this world.
It made me think. I avoid deep details of the discussion sine it would be too personal, but it made me think. A lot. I always thought/knew that I was hurting me quite intentionally, or not avoiding to in any way. «Every artist is a cannibal, every poet is a thief, all kill their inspiration and sing about the grief».
But I’m sick of this aswell. I don’t wanna feel like this anymore, I don’t wanna know about it anymore, been there, done that. If I go ahead I find misery, if I stay still I find hatred, if I step back, which is not even possible, I find everything that made me change. And I changed a lot, I assure you.
Do something good and forget about it, do something bad and always remember about it. He reminded me of this aswell last night, and this also made me think. I have the worst vice ever, which is do what my heart says, for good or worse, but especially for good. And as already stated before I always do it without asking nothing in exchange, I always did it and still doing it because I want to and because it makes me feel good. I want no thankfulness. Wise man said: «thankfulness is just a pure and genuine wish to receive more privileges». I always gave, rarely took, always thought about others first, rarely about me, and even when no matter what all the good things I’ve done I’ve been backstabbed I didn’t got out of shape. I sought, awaited, found and tasted revenge, that’s true, but never got out of shape, and I didn’t ever regret of everything I did for them.
Anyway, as time passes by I ask myself what I’m doing, why I’m doing it and what I expect to get out of my behaviour. He planted the seed of doubt in me.
What is it that I’m looking for?