Welcome to realm of madness
This is my December, this is my time of the year. This is my December, this is me alone, this is me pretending this is all I need. Just wish that I didn’t feel like there was something I missed. And I’d take back all the things I said to make you feel like that. And I’d give it all away just to have somewhere to go to… give it all away, to have someone to come home to…
Year after year.
Run, wolf warrior, to ends eternal
Through the wreckage of the death of the day
Scent of silence under starlight spinning
A captured beast within a human skinAre you searching for long lost landscapes
Lit by flowers and crystal cascades?
Where the lamb lies down with the lion
Where the wolf is one with the wildRun, wolf warrior, through kingdoms’ chaos
Senseless cities and ghost towns towering
Howl, o’ hunter, though few know you’re crying
Face upturned into that midnight moonAre you hunting for mystic mountains
Where the air is like liquid laughter?
Where the beasts inherit the earth
Where the last again will be firstRun, wolf warrior, to hide your hunger
The rain will wash away the pains of the day
In your eyes there are cold fires burning
Tongues of flame that can never be tamedAre you running from Man’s delusion
Majestic madness and your exclusion
To where the lamb lies down with the lion?Are you running down ancient pathways
Through this dark and deserted land
To where man is once more a child?Are you running to freedom’s fortress
By the side of wide open seas
Where the wolf is one with the wild?Run, run, run…
Run, run, run, run, run, run on, run on through the rain…
It might sound stupid, but you’ll actually never know why I start crying when I hear this song. Facing the moon aswell. And I wish I was kidding.
This is french. If you don’t get it, either use a translator or get lost =P
Je déambule sur la corde de mes peurs
Lentement j’avance à tatons, toujours plus loin
Je regarde dans l’abîme de mon âme
Mais il n’y a pas de retourUn pas en avant, deux pas en arrière
La danse sur la corde
La recherche du bonheur
Un pas en avant, pas en arrière
Insensé, sans but
La recherche du bonheurJe danse sur la corde de mes rêves
Je suis très légère, la musique s’élève
Tu m’invite à danser
Je me sens si libre, la chanson s’élève
Tu me donnes la main
Et la danse commenceUn pas en avant, deux pas en arrière
La danse sur la corde
La recherche du bonheur
Un pas en avant, pas en arrière
Insensé, sans but
La recherche du bonheurJe déambule sur la corde de mes peurs
Lentement j’avance à tatons, toujours plus loin
Je regarde dans l’abîme de mon âme
Mais il n’y a pas de retourJe perds l’équilibre, je tombe
Mais rien ne peut m’arriver, car tu es là
Nous glissons comme les feuilles dans le vent
Tu me tiens, tu es près de moi
Nous glissons sur les nuages, portés par le vent
La pluie s’abat sur ma peau
Et notre chanson expire
Or at least so U2 sing, still it describes well my last days.
Today I woke up early. And without even checking the time I rolled in my bed, pulled the sheets and got back to sleep. Woke up again. Got back to sleep again. Woke up again. Got back to sleep again. And going on like this I finally fully woke up after the sunset.
Lately it often happens to think about the fact I have no reason to get out of bed every day, but I seldom feel my body freeze at just the though of actually having to do it. This is one of those days. One of those days in which not even a 100 watt halogen lamp pointed right in the middle of your eyes can give you the will to move your head a bit, not even to avoid the light.
What did I do to get to this state? For sure I don’t know, and I doubt I will ever do. Thanks to God, which said by me seems like a joke, I don’t have to worry about a job, since when I “work” I gain more money in a single week than a couple guys in three whole months, without even considering the fact that until January I don’t even have to think about it. Phisically I’m doing good, worst problems seem to be past as of now, and I learnt to contain most of the psychosomatic part of my diseases. But still…
Still…
Still all of this, which could make a lot of people happy, is not enough for me. Someone told me, and probably still tells me, that all of this doesn’t matter because there is no one to share it with. And honestly I don’t think she’s wrong.
Nonetheless, no matter how hard I try to keep private my personal life, there is still people who continues to bother me and other persons close to me with theories, “possible love stories” linked to my latest decisions and whatnot. And this makes me angry. Very, very angry.
On of the (many) things which makes me angry is when people talks behind my back, for good or worse. In this case the “oh, how kind of them, they are worried about me” part gets TOTALLY eclipsed by the “oh, for fucks sake, why don’t they just think about their fucking businesses and stop thinking about my own? Don’t they have anything else to think about?”
I had a dream today. Actually I dreamed quite a bit, but I particularly remember one of them. I was in Hong Kong, I think I wanted to move out there, but I had no place to stay. So snowmask gave me the keys of her apartment and a sofa on which I could sleep, at least until I was able to find a flat. Good girl, always said she is… Then I don’t really remember what happened, I remember of being under a bridge in HK with some sheets, like a clochard, and some bastards who wanted to beat the hell out of me just to have some fun and stuff like that… bit confused memories, but I think that’s normal. Oh, it just came back to my mind that I decided, in dream still, to buy myself a Wii aswell… meh…
It seems like even my dreams realized what I should do: get up and go away as far as possible. And if it wouldn’t sound to me way too much like an escape, I would do it. But I could consider it like a “strategical withdrawn”. I’m thinking about it these days, or better, to be true I’ve been thinking about it from some time now. I even had a “there’s no world outside of me” week, where I disconnected the rest of the universe and I just cared about my job. And it did me quite some good, aside the fact that once back home things went better for a bit, but then fell down. Fell down a long way aswell.
As I said last night during a conversation, I’m in stall. I know that the only way to save myself is to eject, but I keep myself well tight to my Su-27. And there are two possible endings here, both possible: I fall down and “await the worst, which is not the fall rather the landing”; I successfully restart the engines, climb up again and quickly jet away. At the moment, worth mentioning, I’m about to kiss the ground.
Just like I was thinking when I was still in my bed, I’d like to close this post with an excerpt from Savatage – Morphine Child:
I’m too old to be living this
Lived to long to be given this
Can our god be forgiving thisI had a light that shined
Across my mind
Rarely see it any moreNow it is mostly dark
Accept for sparks
Can’t remember what they’re forI am the morphine child
The dream defiled
The never ending metaphor
I am the wizard oz
Result and cause
Never look behind that doorCantations
Cantations
Cantations
CantationsNever listen to the crowd before me
Never listen to the self ordained
Never really wanted to believe it any wayTime is fading
Night is calling
I am on my wayTurn around turn around
Turn around turn aroundTime is fading
Night is calling
I am on my…
There is a song I could talk you about, or maybe a song that could talk you about me.
This shit right here is for you
all your faces I can seeyou all think it’s about me
I’m about to break
This is my fate
Am I still damned to a life
of misery and hate?You will never know
what I did for you
what you all
put me throughI’ve done it for you
I could have
never loved
if it wasn’t…for you…
(Korn – 4 U)
This represents how I feel. And it ain’t feeling good. Anyway while talking with [SkiD] last night, he shown me his thoughts about what’s been just written. And I’m going to show thoughts differences.
My life is mostly based on hatred. Who I am now, I owe it to rage, hatred, rancour, to the people who betrayed me and that firstly I forced on their knees, then made them crawl, then made them dig their own tomb place. And no matter how hard I try to get out of this, I just can’t. I try with all my strength to destroy all the obstacles which get in front of me, I try hardly to build something good, but no matter what I do I still get doors slammed on my nose, even from people that I helped without asking nothing in exchange. And this makes me sad, leaving me a sense of emptiness and misery at first, and then hatred towards the ones who deserve it.
[SkiD] still refuses this point of view: «If you have a single dollar and had costs of billions and billions, you still have that single dollar, so you’re not deep red». And he added to the theorem that if so many people respect me I can’t just consider my life as miserable, since I have something very rare which is pretty hard to find in this world.
It made me think. I avoid deep details of the discussion sine it would be too personal, but it made me think. A lot. I always thought/knew that I was hurting me quite intentionally, or not avoiding to in any way. «Every artist is a cannibal, every poet is a thief, all kill their inspiration and sing about the grief».
But I’m sick of this aswell. I don’t wanna feel like this anymore, I don’t wanna know about it anymore, been there, done that. If I go ahead I find misery, if I stay still I find hatred, if I step back, which is not even possible, I find everything that made me change. And I changed a lot, I assure you.
Do something good and forget about it, do something bad and always remember about it. He reminded me of this aswell last night, and this also made me think. I have the worst vice ever, which is do what my heart says, for good or worse, but especially for good. And as already stated before I always do it without asking nothing in exchange, I always did it and still doing it because I want to and because it makes me feel good. I want no thankfulness. Wise man said: «thankfulness is just a pure and genuine wish to receive more privileges». I always gave, rarely took, always thought about others first, rarely about me, and even when no matter what all the good things I’ve done I’ve been backstabbed I didn’t got out of shape. I sought, awaited, found and tasted revenge, that’s true, but never got out of shape, and I didn’t ever regret of everything I did for them.
Anyway, as time passes by I ask myself what I’m doing, why I’m doing it and what I expect to get out of my behaviour. He planted the seed of doubt in me.
What is it that I’m looking for?