Im quite not “In the Mood” (just like the song) in this moment in time. A time quite strange, busy, and a little depressing.
There’s people who works a lot around, who really works his ass out making some job nobody is able to do, either nobody wants to do. Nonetheless, that very same man does it seriously, because at the end of the day, he does it for something he likes. Uses his own free time, his own energies, and in part even his incomes. And, trying to do what he should the best he can, does what he can do best: “thinking ahead”. To think about what will or won’t happen in the future doing or not doing something today.
Some other people though, doesn’t or doesn’t want to understand. People fight, people separates, people kills each other, people leaves. And at its best, a step toward being complete, future shatters. A so close future to be at reach of hand becomes all of a sudden far, far away. Such is the delusion due to such behaviours that you lose every sort of enthusiasm. For whatever reason should someone work when someone else, out of nowhere, decides that it’s not worth it? People complains about few participation, when they’re the first ones who just couldn’t do it. People who complains about not being heard, when they never stop for a second to think others point of views, or doing so just a second before shooting everything they had to say, much like an excuse. People who wonders if it’s better to go or to stay. Answer to that, obviously, is always the same: “go”. I won’t ever change my mind, so just go.
What’s next to that is what you know but will never hear: “never come back”. Don’t come back, nobody need you. Nobody needs people who gets used when needed, just to be discarded afterwards to walk with the strong ones. Nobody needs people who elects themselves as the fautors and carriers of the absolute truth. Nobody needs such a reality.
Still, never look back, because it’s not that sure that you have a place to go back to anyway. Even if that very same person worked further on that job as usual, improbable thing, and that has built something more and more important, possible thing, is probable that the only thing he wants from you is that you go straight to hell. Could you really blame him?
And in all of this there’s people who comes and people who goes, people who stays for a moment, quite just an instant, to just get away for immemorable time. But time passes, people goes on, evolves, while that same people lies quite still.
And mind wonders toward it’s own recent past: “official” work, fun done “for fun”, worries about things done good for everyone… nonetheless, understanding how much it’s been done in vain. How vain has it been to waste own time for people who doesn’t worry about keeping a small amount of time for the sake of the community. And, just like in worst nightmares ever, asking ownselves why? For whatever damned reason?
Answer is simply though: none. There’s no reason to that. Nothing worth keeping fighting for.
After whole days of meditation, and almost for a strange coincidence, I decided to do this penultimate step. A penultimate step toward egoism. I came to the conclusion, that if it’s actually possible for everyonw to ignore everything for an amount of time they think right, then it’s aswell right for me to get myself an amount of time to ignore everything and everyone. Little that you know, that amount of time will be eternal. Maybe though it won’t be enough to pay me back of what I’ve been through.
Don’t try too hard to understand what I’ve wrote until here: if you don’t understand it’s not a message for you. And if it is, it’s the clear demonstration that all I’ve wrote until here holds true.
In this period of emptiness I often stopped thinking about lots of things. About loads of realities’ little sides of view. I was feeling, at least in part, alone. But contrary to what I could have ever believed, I was feeling good. I felt empty, but free. Unmotivated, but owner of my own time. Maybe it’s a little thing, but it could aswell be a good start. A good start toward constructive aloneness.
Anyhow in these last few days happened quite some strange things. People I believed lost, like a forgotten shadow relied to past, came in with unexpected happiness. People who removed me almost-literally from the “people living this world” came back to visit, just like you would expect from long-time friends. Without any reason, and best thing, without any double crossing. To them, just like it’s been for me in the past, is a way to say “purgatory is over, you can get back to heaven”. And in this situation, even quite literally aswell. Of course, I wasn’t too happy myself to get back there back then (and maybe I still am not), just as much as a devil can love his own hell, but this is also why it caught me unprepared, but nicely.
Another happy fact has been reading today the horoscope of a few days ago. Translating the best I can: “Don’t listen to suggestion someone would want to give you no matter what. He could do this in good will, but he has not all the elements to judge the situation”. My suspects here is that he’s talking about Mad. Go for theory, yay!! Remembering some past discussions, it comes to my minds some old ’80s trash movie. A little guy asked his father to explain him the difference about theory and practice. The father then got out with him to find a public phone, called his wife and asked her faking his voice: “I’m doing a survey here: if a man would give you $1,000,000, would you have sex with him?”, and his wife answered “Of course”. He then called his daughter asking the very same question, and his daughter answered just like his wife. He then said to his son: See? In theory, we are millionaires, in practice we have two hoes in our house. Think about it. Or not, as it doesn’t matter anymore.
A sad memory came back to my mind, or better, a sad chain of past memories. I remembered of the past “jobs”, and I’m not talking about last times here, I’m talking about last decade (that’s 10 years, you morons!). Having found myself, willing or not, heading whatever project, I always worked hard to bring it to completeness and to make it progress. No matter what, at a certain time, someone held back. Someone decided that it was better to find something else. Somebody decided he didn’t fit it. Everybody, all together, decided that all my work on it has been done in vain, be it now just like yesterday.
And it’s for this reason that today, really more than yesterday, I feel dead. But the difference with the last times I said and felt I was dead inside, is that this time I really am. In those old times, I still had a fire burning inside, which is now past gone. If we would be in a fabler Final Fantasy, I seriously doubt anybody could cast an Areiz, at maximum they could cast a simple Reiz which would last until next, close death. And even if this was possible, it’s strongly probable that just like in a more cartoonish World of Warcraft the offer would be gently declined.
Consider this as a permanent closure. Towards everyone. Disbelief > all. And if you really want, date it officially: 12-19-2007 04:27:21 AM.
