Category: Personal

For You

There is a song I could talk you about, or maybe a song that could talk you about me.

This shit right here is for you
all your faces I can see

you all think it’s about me

I’m about to break
This is my fate
Am I still damned to a life
of misery and hate?

You will never know
what I did for you
what you all
put me through

I’ve done it for you
I could have
never loved
if it wasn’t…

for you…

(Korn – 4 U)

This represents how I feel. And it ain’t feeling good. Anyway while talking with [SkiD] last night, he shown me his thoughts about what’s been just written. And I’m going to show thoughts differences.

My life is mostly based on hatred. Who I am now, I owe it to rage, hatred, rancour, to the people who betrayed me and that firstly I forced on their knees, then made them crawl, then made them dig their own tomb place. And no matter how hard I try to get out of this, I just can’t. I try with all my strength to destroy all the obstacles which get in front of me, I try hardly to build something good, but no matter what I do I still get doors slammed on my nose, even from people that I helped without asking nothing in exchange. And this makes me sad, leaving me a sense of emptiness and misery at first, and then hatred towards the ones who deserve it.

[SkiD] still refuses this point of view: «If you have a single dollar and had costs of billions and billions, you still have that single dollar, so you’re not deep red». And he added to the theorem that if so many people respect me I can’t just consider my life as miserable, since I have something very rare which is pretty hard to find in this world.

It made me think. I avoid deep details of the discussion sine it would be too personal, but it made me think. A lot. I always thought/knew that I was hurting me quite intentionally, or not avoiding to in any way. «Every artist is a cannibal, every poet is a thief, all kill their inspiration and sing about the grief».

But I’m sick of this aswell. I don’t wanna feel like this anymore, I don’t wanna know about it anymore, been there, done that. If I go ahead I find misery, if I stay still I find hatred, if I step back, which is not even possible, I find everything that made me change. And I changed a lot, I assure you.

Do something good and forget about it, do something bad and always remember about it. He reminded me of this aswell last night, and this also made me think. I have the worst vice ever, which is do what my heart says, for good or worse, but especially for good. And as already stated before I always do it without asking nothing in exchange, I always did it and still doing it because I want to and because it makes me feel good. I want no thankfulness. Wise man said: «thankfulness is just a pure and genuine wish to receive more privileges». I always gave, rarely took, always thought about others first, rarely about me, and even when no matter what all the good things I’ve done I’ve been backstabbed I didn’t got out of shape. I sought, awaited, found and tasted revenge, that’s true, but never got out of shape, and I didn’t ever regret of everything I did for them.

Anyway, as time passes by I ask myself what I’m doing, why I’m doing it and what I expect to get out of my behaviour. He planted the seed of doubt in me.

What is it that I’m looking for?

Overreaction

Sometimes I overreact. I know it, I’m perfectly aware of it. And sometimes I overreact on someone. If this someone, as in 99.8% of cases, is someone I don’t care about, the problem does not subsist. On the other hand, if we’re talkin about that 0.02%, well then… it’s gonna be an utter prick.

This is the time of someone who is in that 0.02% of people I actually care about. Someone who got caught in the middle, made a mistake in good faith, but twisted my nerves. I got mad at this person, that’s true, but I know that sometimes I overreacted, at least with this person. And on the other side, now I feel like shit. So, all in all, now I’m not just pissed off, I’m sad also.

It wasn’t like this before, or better it still was but the situation was different: I had musics before, now I don’t anymore. When I was really made before I picked up my beloved guitar, connect it to mine even more beloved amplifier, fired up its 125 watts and shaked the ground (and we’re talkin about 32cm of concrete here). And that very same ground shaking freed me up, depured me. If I sang along with my raging voice then, result was just perfect.

Now I don’t have all of this anymore. I don’t have all of this from more than a year, when I passed the amplifier to a friend of [SkiD], askin him to fix it, and I don’t know IF and WHEN I will ever get it back in my hands. [SkiD] can’t be blamed about this, but now I really feel like in an outside world. I can’t consume my rage.

And I’m not into martial arts anymore, cause I got no time… I’m not into karate, nor capoeira, nor philippine kali… and I don’t drink anymore, and I don’t smoke anymore… I don’t have relieves, not even temporary.

To compensate that, new problems arise. I got a job which a lot would die for, but I don’t like doing it and I can’t get in the mood to just go outside and work, or more specifically, to do this very kind of job. Nontheless bosses ask, customers look up for you, time is short, too short to let you have a life of your own in the meanwhile. Some time ago, for good or worse, I found some relief into that “hobby” called net, telematical-cybernetical place where I found myself spending the greatest part of my time when I was still studying, and that stills fills up a lot of time on my shedule. And in this world, problems tend to grow up, and I just don’t know what to do anymore…

For those who still don’t know it, I am now in charge of a clan of an italian national tv show called L33T, and to be more specifical, the game I am talkin about is War Rock, an MMOFPS. This means I got responsibilities toward all clan member, and that I also need to act best for the sake of my team. And not only that. I am now become responsible for one of the 4 sections of this show’s forum, and this, as the word talks by itself, means that I got more responsibilities. I’m obviously proud of all of this, both of the fact that they found a leader for the clan in me, and the fact they thought me I was good enough for the responsibility. Still all of this is adding “charge” to my current situation.

And can you “code an elite check” for your little friends? I would have replied “mind if I got a life?” but I didnt, cause more probably I really got no life. People calls me from just anywhere, and is literally takin away every single little pice of energy I got left. And don’t you wanna think about “what to do when I grow up”? Of course, you already got a job, and related things, but if this life is not good enough for you then why not change it?

Overreactive. Nervous. Hypertense. Moodswinger. Violent. Crazy. Borderline. Obsessive-Compulsive. <Add your word here>. These are things which describe me, and always did. Or maybe not always.

There was a time as they tell me, when I was “always smiling”, when I never cried, when if I was alone in my cradle, without nobody around, being hungy, I didn’t cry: I sang. Never liked silence too much, I’ve always been inclined to make noise, but more and more recently I found myself listening to its noise and sound, as Simon & Garfunkel used to sing. There was a time I was happy, now I don’t know if I am anymore, if I ever knew it at all.

But at that time I had many friends. At that time I was in love. At that time I had a girl. At that time I didn’t yet get betrayed by my best friends. At that time I still had music. At that time I found demoscene aswell. At that time I had multiple safety valves. At that time I always had clear in mind what I wanted to do. And then, when I had doubts about the possibility to do the things I had in mind at that time, I still did go on anyway. At that time I used to assimilate as much knowledge as possible. And now that I have more knowledge than most of the people, I regret that time where I didn’t, and when I could wake up everyday without thougts harrassing my mind.

But these, as it’s well known, are other times.

Sometimes I feel like I have a tiny piece of serenity, but with just as much nonchalance I am able to screw up my life, and to make every little thing that little piece did just useless. And the fact of not knowing, for good or worse, if this, the case of the 0.02%, is a total destruction of what I slowly tried to create, is killing me.

It’s pretty well known, I seek problems. But I can assure you that if I don’t seek problems, it’s problem who seek me. And I must have some mother fucking transmitter installed on me, cause they always find me.

And in these moments I just can’t stop thinkin about what happened a few days ago… the first boss’ child, 21 years old, died. He was driving, and he brought another 3 people with him, and one is pretty critical and about to die aswell. He had money, he was happy, he didn’t have to care about anything, he was just like me, just more rich, he always wanted to party. He is now dead.

When I think about this I feel sad. I lived four years more than him, and I usually say that I don’t want to live forever, and that I’d just like to have it over soon, still I feel like having someone like him dead means there’s something wrong. And that after all I should be glad of what I have, and try not to screw it up.

I don’t know if I already screwed it all up, and now that I think about it it’s even more ironic, as I took those words from U2 – Dirty Day as something to always remember, but I just didn’t this time around. What can I say…

Be careful where you aim
cause where you aim you just might hit
and when you hold on to something so tight
you’ve already lost it

The Garden of Delights

First of all you have to know that this post will be very, very long…
Before even beginning, I will post the lyric of a song which describes me pretty well at the moment. Note that most lyrics are translated from Italian to English, so don’t yell if you don’t catch rhymes. Also, as I did it all, translations might be not as accurate as I wanted them to, although I did my best…

I’m alone, hunted down like a dog I don’t move, I die if I bark, I shut my mouth and stay kneed while the sound of anguish rises and hurts me, thin as a spike heel… holes in my heart, I bleed, tears which scream like megaphones which don’t stop and rape the darkness which bandages my eyes, a soft darkness, as a jellyfishes curtain which caresses my face with a whirr, I percept hostile sights of terror hungered animals which look into me, and from memory fogs they get back, and bite my soul in a sadic game, and I turn into a mouse in a cat pack. Naked, like a coleopteran on top of a fork, I await, but the executioner has no rush, and in the meanwhile sharpens the axe on the anguish which keeps me close to it, like a mantis jealous of her meal, which freezes my sweat into alabaster drops set on my forehead, which sleep deeply into me like shards of irrational paroxysm, and there’s no law that could control me because I’m goin crazy…

(You choosed to hit, I will defend) x8

Like an obsessed I slowly swing my head, from side to side like bears in the zoos, and in a delirium I feel like chocking up, adrenaline rises with a flash and I open wide my mouth in a silent scream, and the anguish suddenly steps back and relaxes, because there is death, made of leather, with a whip, I swallow my spittle and I enjoy it, and so if this has to be my final hour I say “Please: after you, Madame”

(Confront yourself now with your enemy, for the last time, with your head up) x4

(Frankie Hi-NRG-MC – La Cattura (The Capture))

There are also other verses, such as «It’s hard to be courageous, in a world that doesn’t care for you» (Exilia – I Guess You Know), as «I keep distance from me because I want to have nothing to do with myself, with whom, like myself, does nothing to correct ownselves: I’m my enemy, mi bitterest enemy. Warder of myself, with the key in my pocket I ask for freedom, but for now I know that this cell will be kept barred, with a triple-locked from inside: I’m the damned soul put there to guard my hell» (Frankie Hi-NRG-MC – Autodafè), «In bad company especially if I’m alone, negative as Gs in a freefall, I get airborn, rise, stall and await the worst, which is not the fall, but the landing» (Frankie Hi-NRG-MC – Autodafè), «I see your faces, I have no place, I have to run and hide all my pain. I don’t like this world, ’cause something is wrong» (Exilia – The World is Falling Down) and I stop here… at least for now…

Now the The Garden of Delights begins (for the ones who do not know the painter named Hieronymus Bosch… SHAME ON YOU!!). I skip the most painful part (for certain aspects), resuming it with a thought of mine of this morning: “When somebody runs with the hare and hunts with the hounds, someone will definitely and irreparably get hurt”. After all the this pain I felt I started writing again… enough said… I didn’t write a song in ages…

Anyway, this day started at the sign of tragedy.

I fall asleep, since I wanted to get up around 7 o’clock to start visiting my customers. I wake up around 3:40am, feeling already that a tragedy would be coming up. Watch some TV, get back to sleep, and hardly fall back to sleep… mobile rings up at 7 o’clock, I shut it down and get back to sleep… second mobile rings at 7:15am, I shut it down aswell and get back to sleep… I wake up, knowing that I’m hugely late, watch my clock and realize it’s 9:56. Hotel’s check-out is maximum at 10 o’clock. I start being blaspheme early at morning.

But of course I don’t give up, I dress up as quickly as possible, throw everything back into the suitcase, get out, ask the bill at the reception. But PC doesn’t work… after several tries I tell her that it doesn’t matter, and start singing softly “it’s a fuckin baaaad daaaaaaaaaay”. I give her my home address and she says they will be sending me. No problem.

Get into my care, do some little match, I understand that I couldn’t visit all the customers of the near cities before 12 o’clock, so I decide to skip a couple less important customers and go on as planned. And that’s exactly what happened, perfectly, so perfectly that I found myself a few miles away from my last customer in perfect time.

I start thinking about two girls, Barbie & Asteria, and I start thinking that since I would be close to Siena early in the afternoon I could have visited them in Florence. I see cops car in front of me in the same moment: I check my speed, touch my brakes a little, but I didn’t realize that there was a STOP signal. I go straight, a car comes from my left, it avoids me by the skin of the teeth, I salute death which caressed my hand, countersteer, I throw myself into the rightmost lane and… miracle… I’m alive, he/she’s alive, noone got hurt, no crashes. I check my GPS and I go on heading toward my customer. When I’m about 2000 feet away from him I see the cops car, which was before close to the STOP signal, and I immediately realized that this time I’m really screwed up. I go on praying that they are not chasing me, but their light signal trashes my hope. The cop comes toward me, pretty upset aswell, and after the usual “License & Pink Slip”, some “what are you doing here?”, a “did you realize what you just do?”, a “look as my hands are shaking… I was about to die… do you think I did not realize it?!?” of mine, he chills out and, once set his view on his car he says: “stay there, I’m gonna write a report”. Result: a  € 138 (about $175) worth fine, and 6 points (out of 22) taken out of my license. For the ones of you who don’t know, in Italy they started points-like Driving Licences: if you shits like I did they take back point. When you have no points left they take away your license. Sucks, doesn’t it? Especially I considered I need it to work, for fucks sake… but anyway…

Note. When you get away from death and think “I wish I could have died there”, there evidently is some problem. But let’s go on…

Thinking about it I realized that I never did any infraction, never hit a car, never crashed, and this time I was about to die but nothing happened… but… THE FUCKING COPS BEAT THE FUCK OUTTA ME!! Figuratively speaking, of course…

Anyway I continued with my trip, got depressed, bought a Jack Daniels bottle and a package of Marlboro (notice that I quit smoking 2 years and a half ago, and quit drinking 2 years ago) and I took the highway toward home. And I found a bunch of cars stuck and lined up worth more than 3 miles, give or take.

Anyway, once back home, at the end of this all, I maybe found a light of the tunnel…

Now I just wish that it’s not the same thing described by Chambers in Should I Fall, which is: «it’s an illusion, no guiding light, our mother’s dead and gone, we’re all alone, my brother see: this twinkling shine’s a perfidious black butterfly»…

What could I say…

Should I fall
Should I fall
Should I fall for you
Should I fall
Should I fall
Should I follow you

PS: a dear public thank you to sephicloud, because no matter if I bugged her in the last few days, she has always been very disposable, and she gave me a little hope… or at least she tried, but I am, and it’s well known, a desperate case 😉

I. HATE. SPAM.

Once again I’ve been forced to “quit” the normal stuff to code a spam filter: it seems some fuckhead likes to spam on my website, but now all the spam is filtered out (heavily). And as if that is not enough yet, I even log every single IP, since ever. I just don’t know what to do yet with those (which are also combined with perfect timestamps), but I will think about it pretty soon.

Anyway there are a few words I’ve been thinking of lately, and some of those are:

“Emptiness is loneliness,
and loneliness is cleanliness,
and cleanliness is godliness,
and god is empty…
just like me…”
(Smashing Pumpkins – Zero)

“Wash your women in your whiskey
when your future’s in the past,
and you’re staring up at heaven
from the bottom of a glass,
and you need some insulation
from the years you’ve had and lost,
and you feel the perspiration
as you’re adding up the cost.

And the night rolls on
like a slow moving train…
And the soul cries out…”
(Savatage – Handful of Rain)

Read it, think about it, remember it and then feel it.

Ground Zero

It’s been years now. I always said that the twin towers attack was planned by the USA to save their economy, but I always been laughed/yelled at. I told them the relations between american banks, oil companies and the twin towers. Noone listened.

Now it’s official. Every newspaper and tv news declares that there are currently investigations regarding the twin towers attack, that there are several evidences that everything was planned by the americans themselves.

Now, to all the mother fuckers which had something to say against what I’ve been declaring for years: “didn’t I tell you, bitch?”

But of course, when some guy from Italy talks, even though he searched, looked, listened and read everything it was there to watch, listen and read, he still is some random italian guy. Why should anyone listen to him?

I would ask another question, though: why now everybody listens to me? Why, now that someone said “americans were behind it all” people listens to me and agrees with what I say?

I tell you why: because I was right in the first place, you idiot!

PS: If you’re american and/or you really think that the war in Iraq was made to “export democracy” (and you still gotta tell me how the fuck you can export democracy through the barrel of a gun, though), you should take a look at the The New American Century, all papers written since 1997, which tells the world why america should dominate the whole world, and how to actually do it. First Iraq, then Iran, then… I’ll let you read through it. You might learn something.
Oh, and the website’s been created from the people who actually stand beside Bush. No wonder…