Or at least so U2 sing, still it describes well my last days.
Today I woke up early. And without even checking the time I rolled in my bed, pulled the sheets and got back to sleep. Woke up again. Got back to sleep again. Woke up again. Got back to sleep again. And going on like this I finally fully woke up after the sunset.
Lately it often happens to think about the fact I have no reason to get out of bed every day, but I seldom feel my body freeze at just the though of actually having to do it. This is one of those days. One of those days in which not even a 100 watt halogen lamp pointed right in the middle of your eyes can give you the will to move your head a bit, not even to avoid the light.
What did I do to get to this state? For sure I don’t know, and I doubt I will ever do. Thanks to God, which said by me seems like a joke, I don’t have to worry about a job, since when I “work” I gain more money in a single week than a couple guys in three whole months, without even considering the fact that until January I don’t even have to think about it. Phisically I’m doing good, worst problems seem to be past as of now, and I learnt to contain most of the psychosomatic part of my diseases. But still…
Still…
Still all of this, which could make a lot of people happy, is not enough for me. Someone told me, and probably still tells me, that all of this doesn’t matter because there is no one to share it with. And honestly I don’t think she’s wrong.
Nonetheless, no matter how hard I try to keep private my personal life, there is still people who continues to bother me and other persons close to me with theories, “possible love stories” linked to my latest decisions and whatnot. And this makes me angry. Very, very angry.
On of the (many) things which makes me angry is when people talks behind my back, for good or worse. In this case the “oh, how kind of them, they are worried about me” part gets TOTALLY eclipsed by the “oh, for fucks sake, why don’t they just think about their fucking businesses and stop thinking about my own? Don’t they have anything else to think about?”
I had a dream today. Actually I dreamed quite a bit, but I particularly remember one of them. I was in Hong Kong, I think I wanted to move out there, but I had no place to stay. So snowmask gave me the keys of her apartment and a sofa on which I could sleep, at least until I was able to find a flat. Good girl, always said she is… Then I don’t really remember what happened, I remember of being under a bridge in HK with some sheets, like a clochard, and some bastards who wanted to beat the hell out of me just to have some fun and stuff like that… bit confused memories, but I think that’s normal. Oh, it just came back to my mind that I decided, in dream still, to buy myself a Wii aswell… meh…
It seems like even my dreams realized what I should do: get up and go away as far as possible. And if it wouldn’t sound to me way too much like an escape, I would do it. But I could consider it like a “strategical withdrawn”. I’m thinking about it these days, or better, to be true I’ve been thinking about it from some time now. I even had a “there’s no world outside of me” week, where I disconnected the rest of the universe and I just cared about my job. And it did me quite some good, aside the fact that once back home things went better for a bit, but then fell down. Fell down a long way aswell.
As I said last night during a conversation, I’m in stall. I know that the only way to save myself is to eject, but I keep myself well tight to my Su-27. And there are two possible endings here, both possible: I fall down and “await the worst, which is not the fall rather the landing”; I successfully restart the engines, climb up again and quickly jet away. At the moment, worth mentioning, I’m about to kiss the ground.
Just like I was thinking when I was still in my bed, I’d like to close this post with an excerpt from Savatage – Morphine Child:
I’m too old to be living this
Lived to long to be given this
Can our god be forgiving this
I had a light that shined
Across my mind
Rarely see it any more
Now it is mostly dark
Accept for sparks
Can’t remember what they’re for
I am the morphine child
The dream defiled
The never ending metaphor
I am the wizard oz
Result and cause
Never look behind that door
Cantations
Cantations
Cantations
Cantations
Never listen to the crowd before me
Never listen to the self ordained
Never really wanted to believe it any way
Time is fading
Night is calling
I am on my way
Turn around turn around
Turn around turn around
Time is fading
Night is calling
I am on my…