Late Update

Hell yeah, man… it’s been a while…

I just popped in to tell you that I’ve been busy. Pretty much busy. With my job, with my personal life, with my friendships, my passions, my dreams…

And I’m way stressed. Both physically & mentally.

But I’m happy. More than I thought I could ever be. Of course, not 24/7, but I’m… relieved, let’s say that.

I feel like I’m way more relaxed inside. And I notice that in moments like this, where I’m basically angry, or maybe just lunatic due to latest stress, but it doesn’t totally put me on the ground. And it’s a great thing.

I found someone who’s able to lift me up. And apparently, she found someone who’s able to do the same with her. Or maybe it’s just what I wish.

Life’s uncertain. You can never tell. But, for once, I’ve got something to fight for with all my strength. Something that takes me out of the bed every single day, without questioning why. Someone in whose eyes I can feel love.

Someone by my side.

I Just Don’t Give a Fuck

I’m fed up.

Do you think I’m a jerk? Do you think I’m a son of a bitch? Do you think that “2/3 of what I say are just mean things and the last 1/3 is used to link them up”? Do you think I’m too (falsely) moralist? Do you think I’m honorless? Do you think I’m a chronicle bastard?

You know what… I am going to from now on.

I’ll crack your ass up each and every single time you cross my path. I will take care to perfectly send your way all the shit I can, without failing. You don’t even know how many times I saved you, huge sons of bitches. You have no idea about how many fucking times I simply “walked on” without caring too much about what you said, and to make others walk on aswell, when they got pissed off at what you called me.

Do you think you know how much I can be a jerk/bastard? Do you think you have seen all of my rage? Do you think you saw me real mad? Do you think you know me? Think again, my dears.

I’m fed up. Definitely. And I’m coming to catch you all, one by one. Get ready.


I spent more than 20 minutes walking in circles. Nah, not even in circle… do you have any recollection of that kind of unbalanced 8 circuit for toy cars… the one which looks like an ellipsis with a circle on one corner of it… well, I followed that kind of path. For more than 20 minutes.

I found myself talking with myself today.

I found myself thinking in English today. I know what you’re thinking: “so what?”. Well, that’s not normal YOU MORONS, I’m italian…

I found myself walking like an obsessed for more than 20 minutes without being able to stop myself today.

I was happy today.

I was even listening to a Topo Gigio’s record today. And we’re talkin about this puppet here…

What the hell went wrong?!?

There’s something torturing me, which keeps awakening in bed for hours. It’s been days since I’m counting, and I averagely spend 2 hours starting at some point out of nowhere after being fully awake. I realize it, I even turn my halogen 100watt lamp on… still that’s useless.

Generally this would be the time when I reveal the world what’s the problem this time around, and still generally I would be so hermetical that just me and God would be able to understand the meaning. And since God does not exist, I would be the only one.

This time though, I have no flipping clue what it could ever be. And I’m not lying, not even to myself.

At the same time, I feel with every cell in my body I’m about to freak out. But this time around I really have the feeling it’s gonna be worse. Much worse. Maybe exactly cause I don’t know what that is due to, so I can’t work on it early on.

One of the things I thought, and which I write as I thought it, was: “if you rely on me, in any manner, be very careful, cause you might be dropped and left behind any time soon”. Some, more than others, should worry. And a lot, too.

250 points, and partial estimation by me, to the one who understands the post title without using google or any other search engine.

Overly Defensive

Someone told me I’m a bit too defensive. Surely it’s true. But how can you let yourself freely go when you know you are gonna put yourself in a bad situation? How do you do that when you know that you are going to put yourself through something with no easy way out, in which someone gets terribly burnt? I’m not saying that the burnt one could only be me, I could even have something great coming up, but in that case why should I throw shit to the others?

A while ago I wrote that I was only able to do what my heart says. Well, I don’t think I can say it any longer, because I do not understand what my heart says anymore. I can only act instinctively, but when I try to listen at it, it hits me head on. I’m not able to understand a mere thing anymore…

I probably have a lot of things to write, but actually I’d go too much deep into personal affairs, and, guess what, I’m actually too much defensive to be able to talk about it. For now.

I lowered my defences ingenuously, and I’ve been fully hit.

And it hurts. It hurts a whole lot.

Been a Dirty Day…

Or at least so U2 sing, still it describes well my last days.

Today I woke up early. And without even checking the time I rolled in my bed, pulled the sheets and got back to sleep. Woke up again. Got back to sleep again. Woke up again. Got back to sleep again. And going on like this I finally fully woke up after the sunset.

Lately it often happens to think about the fact I have no reason to get out of bed every day, but I seldom feel my body freeze at just the though of actually having to do it. This is one of those days. One of those days in which not even a 100 watt halogen lamp pointed right in the middle of your eyes can give you the will to move your head a bit, not even to avoid the light.

What did I do to get to this state? For sure I don’t know, and I doubt I will ever do. Thanks to God, which said by me seems like a joke, I don’t have to worry about a job, since when I “work” I gain more money in a single week than a couple guys in three whole months, without even considering the fact that until January I don’t even have to think about it. Phisically I’m doing good, worst problems seem to be past as of now, and I learnt to contain most of the psychosomatic part of my diseases. But still…


Still all of this, which could make a lot of people happy, is not enough for me. Someone told me, and probably still tells me, that all of this doesn’t matter because there is no one to share it with. And honestly I don’t think she’s wrong.

Nonetheless, no matter how hard I try to keep private my personal life, there is still people who continues to bother me and other persons close to me with theories, “possible love stories” linked to my latest decisions and whatnot. And this makes me angry. Very, very angry.

On of the (many) things which makes me angry is when people talks behind my back, for good or worse. In this case the “oh, how kind of them, they are worried about me” part gets TOTALLY eclipsed by the “oh, for fucks sake, why don’t they just think about their fucking businesses and stop thinking about my own? Don’t they have anything else to think about?”

I had a dream today. Actually I dreamed quite a bit, but I particularly remember one of them. I was in Hong Kong, I think I wanted to move out there, but I had no place to stay. So snowmask gave me the keys of her apartment and a sofa on which I could sleep, at least until I was able to find a flat. Good girl, always said she is… Then I don’t really remember what happened, I remember of being under a bridge in HK with some sheets, like a clochard, and some bastards who wanted to beat the hell out of me just to have some fun and stuff like that… bit confused memories, but I think that’s normal. Oh, it just came back to my mind that I decided, in dream still, to buy myself a Wii aswell… meh…

It seems like even my dreams realized what I should do: get up and go away as far as possible. And if it wouldn’t sound to me way too much like an escape, I would do it. But I could consider it like a “strategical withdrawn”. I’m thinking about it these days, or better, to be true I’ve been thinking about it from some time now. I even had a “there’s no world outside of me” week, where I disconnected the rest of the universe and I just cared about my job. And it did me quite some good, aside the fact that once back home things went better for a bit, but then fell down. Fell down a long way aswell.

As I said last night during a conversation, I’m in stall. I know that the only way to save myself is to eject, but I keep myself well tight to my Su-27. And there are two possible endings here, both possible: I fall down and “await the worst, which is not the fall rather the landing”; I successfully restart the engines, climb up again and quickly jet away. At the moment, worth mentioning, I’m about to kiss the ground.

Just like I was thinking when I was still in my bed, I’d like to close this post with an excerpt from Savatage – Morphine Child:

I’m too old to be living this
Lived to long to be given this
Can our god be forgiving this

I had a light that shined
Across my mind
Rarely see it any more

Now it is mostly dark
Accept for sparks
Can’t remember what they’re for

I am the morphine child
The dream defiled
The never ending metaphor
I am the wizard oz
Result and cause
Never look behind that door


Never listen to the crowd before me
Never listen to the self ordained
Never really wanted to believe it any way

Time is fading
Night is calling
I am on my way

Turn around turn around
Turn around turn around

Time is fading
Night is calling
I am on my…