Been a Dirty Day…

Or at least so U2 sing, still it describes well my last days.

Today I woke up early. And without even checking the time I rolled in my bed, pulled the sheets and got back to sleep. Woke up again. Got back to sleep again. Woke up again. Got back to sleep again. And going on like this I finally fully woke up after the sunset.

Lately it often happens to think about the fact I have no reason to get out of bed every day, but I seldom feel my body freeze at just the though of actually having to do it. This is one of those days. One of those days in which not even a 100 watt halogen lamp pointed right in the middle of your eyes can give you the will to move your head a bit, not even to avoid the light.

What did I do to get to this state? For sure I don’t know, and I doubt I will ever do. Thanks to God, which said by me seems like a joke, I don’t have to worry about a job, since when I “work” I gain more money in a single week than a couple guys in three whole months, without even considering the fact that until January I don’t even have to think about it. Phisically I’m doing good, worst problems seem to be past as of now, and I learnt to contain most of the psychosomatic part of my diseases. But still…


Still all of this, which could make a lot of people happy, is not enough for me. Someone told me, and probably still tells me, that all of this doesn’t matter because there is no one to share it with. And honestly I don’t think she’s wrong.

Nonetheless, no matter how hard I try to keep private my personal life, there is still people who continues to bother me and other persons close to me with theories, “possible love stories” linked to my latest decisions and whatnot. And this makes me angry. Very, very angry.

On of the (many) things which makes me angry is when people talks behind my back, for good or worse. In this case the “oh, how kind of them, they are worried about me” part gets TOTALLY eclipsed by the “oh, for fucks sake, why don’t they just think about their fucking businesses and stop thinking about my own? Don’t they have anything else to think about?”

I had a dream today. Actually I dreamed quite a bit, but I particularly remember one of them. I was in Hong Kong, I think I wanted to move out there, but I had no place to stay. So snowmask gave me the keys of her apartment and a sofa on which I could sleep, at least until I was able to find a flat. Good girl, always said she is… Then I don’t really remember what happened, I remember of being under a bridge in HK with some sheets, like a clochard, and some bastards who wanted to beat the hell out of me just to have some fun and stuff like that… bit confused memories, but I think that’s normal. Oh, it just came back to my mind that I decided, in dream still, to buy myself a Wii aswell… meh…

It seems like even my dreams realized what I should do: get up and go away as far as possible. And if it wouldn’t sound to me way too much like an escape, I would do it. But I could consider it like a “strategical withdrawn”. I’m thinking about it these days, or better, to be true I’ve been thinking about it from some time now. I even had a “there’s no world outside of me” week, where I disconnected the rest of the universe and I just cared about my job. And it did me quite some good, aside the fact that once back home things went better for a bit, but then fell down. Fell down a long way aswell.

As I said last night during a conversation, I’m in stall. I know that the only way to save myself is to eject, but I keep myself well tight to my Su-27. And there are two possible endings here, both possible: I fall down and “await the worst, which is not the fall rather the landing”; I successfully restart the engines, climb up again and quickly jet away. At the moment, worth mentioning, I’m about to kiss the ground.

Just like I was thinking when I was still in my bed, I’d like to close this post with an excerpt from Savatage – Morphine Child:

I’m too old to be living this
Lived to long to be given this
Can our god be forgiving this

I had a light that shined
Across my mind
Rarely see it any more

Now it is mostly dark
Accept for sparks
Can’t remember what they’re for

I am the morphine child
The dream defiled
The never ending metaphor
I am the wizard oz
Result and cause
Never look behind that door


Never listen to the crowd before me
Never listen to the self ordained
Never really wanted to believe it any way

Time is fading
Night is calling
I am on my way

Turn around turn around
Turn around turn around

Time is fading
Night is calling
I am on my…


Sometimes I overreact. I know it, I’m perfectly aware of it. And sometimes I overreact on someone. If this someone, as in 99.8% of cases, is someone I don’t care about, the problem does not subsist. On the other hand, if we’re talkin about that 0.02%, well then… it’s gonna be an utter prick.

This is the time of someone who is in that 0.02% of people I actually care about. Someone who got caught in the middle, made a mistake in good faith, but twisted my nerves. I got mad at this person, that’s true, but I know that sometimes I overreacted, at least with this person. And on the other side, now I feel like shit. So, all in all, now I’m not just pissed off, I’m sad also.

It wasn’t like this before, or better it still was but the situation was different: I had musics before, now I don’t anymore. When I was really made before I picked up my beloved guitar, connect it to mine even more beloved amplifier, fired up its 125 watts and shaked the ground (and we’re talkin about 32cm of concrete here). And that very same ground shaking freed me up, depured me. If I sang along with my raging voice then, result was just perfect.

Now I don’t have all of this anymore. I don’t have all of this from more than a year, when I passed the amplifier to a friend of [SkiD], askin him to fix it, and I don’t know IF and WHEN I will ever get it back in my hands. [SkiD] can’t be blamed about this, but now I really feel like in an outside world. I can’t consume my rage.

And I’m not into martial arts anymore, cause I got no time… I’m not into karate, nor capoeira, nor philippine kali… and I don’t drink anymore, and I don’t smoke anymore… I don’t have relieves, not even temporary.

To compensate that, new problems arise. I got a job which a lot would die for, but I don’t like doing it and I can’t get in the mood to just go outside and work, or more specifically, to do this very kind of job. Nontheless bosses ask, customers look up for you, time is short, too short to let you have a life of your own in the meanwhile. Some time ago, for good or worse, I found some relief into that “hobby” called net, telematical-cybernetical place where I found myself spending the greatest part of my time when I was still studying, and that stills fills up a lot of time on my shedule. And in this world, problems tend to grow up, and I just don’t know what to do anymore…

For those who still don’t know it, I am now in charge of a clan of an italian national tv show called L33T, and to be more specifical, the game I am talkin about is War Rock, an MMOFPS. This means I got responsibilities toward all clan member, and that I also need to act best for the sake of my team. And not only that. I am now become responsible for one of the 4 sections of this show’s forum, and this, as the word talks by itself, means that I got more responsibilities. I’m obviously proud of all of this, both of the fact that they found a leader for the clan in me, and the fact they thought me I was good enough for the responsibility. Still all of this is adding “charge” to my current situation.

And can you “code an elite check” for your little friends? I would have replied “mind if I got a life?” but I didnt, cause more probably I really got no life. People calls me from just anywhere, and is literally takin away every single little pice of energy I got left. And don’t you wanna think about “what to do when I grow up”? Of course, you already got a job, and related things, but if this life is not good enough for you then why not change it?

Overreactive. Nervous. Hypertense. Moodswinger. Violent. Crazy. Borderline. Obsessive-Compulsive. <Add your word here>. These are things which describe me, and always did. Or maybe not always.

There was a time as they tell me, when I was “always smiling”, when I never cried, when if I was alone in my cradle, without nobody around, being hungy, I didn’t cry: I sang. Never liked silence too much, I’ve always been inclined to make noise, but more and more recently I found myself listening to its noise and sound, as Simon & Garfunkel used to sing. There was a time I was happy, now I don’t know if I am anymore, if I ever knew it at all.

But at that time I had many friends. At that time I was in love. At that time I had a girl. At that time I didn’t yet get betrayed by my best friends. At that time I still had music. At that time I found demoscene aswell. At that time I had multiple safety valves. At that time I always had clear in mind what I wanted to do. And then, when I had doubts about the possibility to do the things I had in mind at that time, I still did go on anyway. At that time I used to assimilate as much knowledge as possible. And now that I have more knowledge than most of the people, I regret that time where I didn’t, and when I could wake up everyday without thougts harrassing my mind.

But these, as it’s well known, are other times.

Sometimes I feel like I have a tiny piece of serenity, but with just as much nonchalance I am able to screw up my life, and to make every little thing that little piece did just useless. And the fact of not knowing, for good or worse, if this, the case of the 0.02%, is a total destruction of what I slowly tried to create, is killing me.

It’s pretty well known, I seek problems. But I can assure you that if I don’t seek problems, it’s problem who seek me. And I must have some mother fucking transmitter installed on me, cause they always find me.

And in these moments I just can’t stop thinkin about what happened a few days ago… the first boss’ child, 21 years old, died. He was driving, and he brought another 3 people with him, and one is pretty critical and about to die aswell. He had money, he was happy, he didn’t have to care about anything, he was just like me, just more rich, he always wanted to party. He is now dead.

When I think about this I feel sad. I lived four years more than him, and I usually say that I don’t want to live forever, and that I’d just like to have it over soon, still I feel like having someone like him dead means there’s something wrong. And that after all I should be glad of what I have, and try not to screw it up.

I don’t know if I already screwed it all up, and now that I think about it it’s even more ironic, as I took those words from U2 – Dirty Day as something to always remember, but I just didn’t this time around. What can I say…

Be careful where you aim
cause where you aim you just might hit
and when you hold on to something so tight
you’ve already lost it


Once again I’ve been forced to “quit” the normal stuff to code a spam filter: it seems some fuckhead likes to spam on my website, but now all the spam is filtered out (heavily). And as if that is not enough yet, I even log every single IP, since ever. I just don’t know what to do yet with those (which are also combined with perfect timestamps), but I will think about it pretty soon.

Anyway there are a few words I’ve been thinking of lately, and some of those are:

“Emptiness is loneliness,
and loneliness is cleanliness,
and cleanliness is godliness,
and god is empty…
just like me…”
(Smashing PumpkinsZero)

“Wash your women in your whiskey
when your future’s in the past,
and you’re staring up at heaven
from the bottom of a glass,
and you need some insulation
from the years you’ve had and lost,
and you feel the perspiration
as you’re adding up the cost.

And the night rolls on
like a slow moving train…
And the soul cries out…”
(SavatageHandful of Rain)

Read it, think about it, remember it and then feel it.

Ground Zero

It’s been years now. I always said that the twin towers attack was planned by the USA to save their economy, but I always been laughed/yelled at. I told them the relations between american banks, oil companies and the twin towers. Noone listened.

Now it’s official. Every newspaper and tv news declares that there are currently investigations regarding the twin towers attack, that there are several evidences that everything was planned by the americans themselves.

Now, to all the mother fuckers which had something to say against what I’ve been declaring for years: “didn’t I tell you, bitch?”

But of course, when some guy from Italy talks, even though he searched, looked, listened and read everything it was there to watch, listen and read, he still is some random italian guy. Why should anyone listen to him?

I would ask another question, though: why now everybody listens to me? Why, now that someone said “americans were behind it all” people listens to me and agrees with what I say?

I tell you why: because I was right in the first place, you idiot!

PS: If you’re american and/or you really think that the war in Iraq was made to “export democracy” (and you still gotta tell me how the fuck you can export democracy through the barrel of a gun, though), you should take a look at the The New American Century, all papers written since 1997, which tells the world why america should dominate the whole world, and how to actually do it. First Iraq, then Iran, then… I’ll let you read through it. You might learn something.
Oh, and the website’s been created from the people who actually stand beside Bush. No wonder…