Overly Defensive

Someone told me I’m a bit too defensive. Surely it’s true. But how can you let yourself freely go when you know you are gonna put yourself in a bad situation? How do you do that when you know that you are going to put yourself through something with no easy way out, in which someone gets terribly burnt? I’m not saying that the burnt one could only be me, I could even have something great coming up, but in that case why should I throw shit to the others?

A while ago I wrote that I was only able to do what my heart says. Well, I don’t think I can say it any longer, because I do not understand what my heart says anymore. I can only act instinctively, but when I try to listen at it, it hits me head on. I’m not able to understand a mere thing anymore…

I probably have a lot of things to write, but actually I’d go too much deep into personal affairs, and, guess what, I’m actually too much defensive to be able to talk about it. For now.

I lowered my defences ingenuously, and I’ve been fully hit.

And it hurts. It hurts a whole lot.

Been a Dirty Day…

Or at least so U2 sing, still it describes well my last days.

Today I woke up early. And without even checking the time I rolled in my bed, pulled the sheets and got back to sleep. Woke up again. Got back to sleep again. Woke up again. Got back to sleep again. And going on like this I finally fully woke up after the sunset.

Lately it often happens to think about the fact I have no reason to get out of bed every day, but I seldom feel my body freeze at just the though of actually having to do it. This is one of those days. One of those days in which not even a 100 watt halogen lamp pointed right in the middle of your eyes can give you the will to move your head a bit, not even to avoid the light.

What did I do to get to this state? For sure I don’t know, and I doubt I will ever do. Thanks to God, which said by me seems like a joke, I don’t have to worry about a job, since when I “work” I gain more money in a single week than a couple guys in three whole months, without even considering the fact that until January I don’t even have to think about it. Phisically I’m doing good, worst problems seem to be past as of now, and I learnt to contain most of the psychosomatic part of my diseases. But still…

Still…

Still all of this, which could make a lot of people happy, is not enough for me. Someone told me, and probably still tells me, that all of this doesn’t matter because there is no one to share it with. And honestly I don’t think she’s wrong.

Nonetheless, no matter how hard I try to keep private my personal life, there is still people who continues to bother me and other persons close to me with theories, “possible love stories” linked to my latest decisions and whatnot. And this makes me angry. Very, very angry.

On of the (many) things which makes me angry is when people talks behind my back, for good or worse. In this case the “oh, how kind of them, they are worried about me” part gets TOTALLY eclipsed by the “oh, for fucks sake, why don’t they just think about their fucking businesses and stop thinking about my own? Don’t they have anything else to think about?”

I had a dream today. Actually I dreamed quite a bit, but I particularly remember one of them. I was in Hong Kong, I think I wanted to move out there, but I had no place to stay. So snowmask gave me the keys of her apartment and a sofa on which I could sleep, at least until I was able to find a flat. Good girl, always said she is… Then I don’t really remember what happened, I remember of being under a bridge in HK with some sheets, like a clochard, and some bastards who wanted to beat the hell out of me just to have some fun and stuff like that… bit confused memories, but I think that’s normal. Oh, it just came back to my mind that I decided, in dream still, to buy myself a Wii aswell… meh…

It seems like even my dreams realized what I should do: get up and go away as far as possible. And if it wouldn’t sound to me way too much like an escape, I would do it. But I could consider it like a “strategical withdrawn”. I’m thinking about it these days, or better, to be true I’ve been thinking about it from some time now. I even had a “there’s no world outside of me” week, where I disconnected the rest of the universe and I just cared about my job. And it did me quite some good, aside the fact that once back home things went better for a bit, but then fell down. Fell down a long way aswell.

As I said last night during a conversation, I’m in stall. I know that the only way to save myself is to eject, but I keep myself well tight to my Su-27. And there are two possible endings here, both possible: I fall down and “await the worst, which is not the fall rather the landing”; I successfully restart the engines, climb up again and quickly jet away. At the moment, worth mentioning, I’m about to kiss the ground.

Just like I was thinking when I was still in my bed, I’d like to close this post with an excerpt from Savatage – Morphine Child:

I’m too old to be living this
Lived to long to be given this
Can our god be forgiving this

I had a light that shined
Across my mind
Rarely see it any more

Now it is mostly dark
Accept for sparks
Can’t remember what they’re for

I am the morphine child
The dream defiled
The never ending metaphor
I am the wizard oz
Result and cause
Never look behind that door

Cantations
Cantations
Cantations
Cantations

Never listen to the crowd before me
Never listen to the self ordained
Never really wanted to believe it any way

Time is fading
Night is calling
I am on my way

Turn around turn around
Turn around turn around

Time is fading
Night is calling
I am on my…

h4xx3d

Fuck yeah, it did happen. But as far as I know it wasn’t a problem of my code, rather a vulnerability due to PHP 5.

How do I know? Of course admins told me nothing about it, but I noticed my server has been downgraded, so… you know… it’s almost like that…

Well, that nEt^DeViL bitch didn’t reply to me for whatever reason, who cares, now my web is back.

Right when I really wanted to tell you something important the site got hacked, and now is gone, but who cares, life goes on…

I’m back.

For You

There is a song I could talk you about, or maybe a song that could talk you about me.

This shit right here is for you
all your faces I can see

you all think it’s about me

I’m about to break
This is my fate
Am I still damned to a life
of misery and hate?

You will never know
what I did for you
what you all
put me through

I’ve done it for you
I could have
never loved
if it wasn’t…

for you…

(Korn – 4 U)

This represents how I feel. And it ain’t feeling good. Anyway while talking with [SkiD] last night, he shown me his thoughts about what’s been just written. And I’m going to show thoughts differences.

My life is mostly based on hatred. Who I am now, I owe it to rage, hatred, rancour, to the people who betrayed me and that firstly I forced on their knees, then made them crawl, then made them dig their own tomb place. And no matter how hard I try to get out of this, I just can’t. I try with all my strength to destroy all the obstacles which get in front of me, I try hardly to build something good, but no matter what I do I still get doors slammed on my nose, even from people that I helped without asking nothing in exchange. And this makes me sad, leaving me a sense of emptiness and misery at first, and then hatred towards the ones who deserve it.

[SkiD] still refuses this point of view: «If you have a single dollar and had costs of billions and billions, you still have that single dollar, so you’re not deep red». And he added to the theorem that if so many people respect me I can’t just consider my life as miserable, since I have something very rare which is pretty hard to find in this world.

It made me think. I avoid deep details of the discussion sine it would be too personal, but it made me think. A lot. I always thought/knew that I was hurting me quite intentionally, or not avoiding to in any way. «Every artist is a cannibal, every poet is a thief, all kill their inspiration and sing about the grief».

But I’m sick of this aswell. I don’t wanna feel like this anymore, I don’t wanna know about it anymore, been there, done that. If I go ahead I find misery, if I stay still I find hatred, if I step back, which is not even possible, I find everything that made me change. And I changed a lot, I assure you.

Do something good and forget about it, do something bad and always remember about it. He reminded me of this aswell last night, and this also made me think. I have the worst vice ever, which is do what my heart says, for good or worse, but especially for good. And as already stated before I always do it without asking nothing in exchange, I always did it and still doing it because I want to and because it makes me feel good. I want no thankfulness. Wise man said: «thankfulness is just a pure and genuine wish to receive more privileges». I always gave, rarely took, always thought about others first, rarely about me, and even when no matter what all the good things I’ve done I’ve been backstabbed I didn’t got out of shape. I sought, awaited, found and tasted revenge, that’s true, but never got out of shape, and I didn’t ever regret of everything I did for them.

Anyway, as time passes by I ask myself what I’m doing, why I’m doing it and what I expect to get out of my behaviour. He planted the seed of doubt in me.

What is it that I’m looking for?