I spent more than 20 minutes walking in circles. Nah, not even in circle… do you have any recollection of that kind of unbalanced 8 circuit for toy cars… the one which looks like an ellipsis with a circle on one corner of it… well, I followed that kind of path. For more than 20 minutes.

I found myself talking with myself today.

I found myself thinking in English today. I know what you’re thinking: “so what?”. Well, that’s not normal YOU MORONS, I’m italian…

I found myself walking like an obsessed for more than 20 minutes without being able to stop myself today.

I was happy today.

I was even listening to a Topo Gigio’s record today. And we’re talkin about this puppet here…

What the hell went wrong?!?

There’s something torturing me, which keeps awakening in bed for hours. It’s been days since I’m counting, and I averagely spend 2 hours starting at some point out of nowhere after being fully awake. I realize it, I even turn my halogen 100watt lamp on… still that’s useless.

Generally this would be the time when I reveal the world what’s the problem this time around, and still generally I would be so hermetical that just me and God would be able to understand the meaning. And since God does not exist, I would be the only one.

This time though, I have no flipping clue what it could ever be. And I’m not lying, not even to myself.

At the same time, I feel with every cell in my body I’m about to freak out. But this time around I really have the feeling it’s gonna be worse. Much worse. Maybe exactly cause I don’t know what that is due to, so I can’t work on it early on.

One of the things I thought, and which I write as I thought it, was: “if you rely on me, in any manner, be very careful, cause you might be dropped and left behind any time soon”. Some, more than others, should worry. And a lot, too.

250 points, and partial estimation by me, to the one who understands the post title without using google or any other search engine.

Overly Defensive

Someone told me I’m a bit too defensive. Surely it’s true. But how can you let yourself freely go when you know you are gonna put yourself in a bad situation? How do you do that when you know that you are going to put yourself through something with no easy way out, in which someone gets terribly burnt? I’m not saying that the burnt one could only be me, I could even have something great coming up, but in that case why should I throw shit to the others?

A while ago I wrote that I was only able to do what my heart says. Well, I don’t think I can say it any longer, because I do not understand what my heart says anymore. I can only act instinctively, but when I try to listen at it, it hits me head on. I’m not able to understand a mere thing anymore…

I probably have a lot of things to write, but actually I’d go too much deep into personal affairs, and, guess what, I’m actually too much defensive to be able to talk about it. For now.

I lowered my defences ingenuously, and I’ve been fully hit.

And it hurts. It hurts a whole lot.


Sometimes I overreact. I know it, I’m perfectly aware of it. And sometimes I overreact on someone. If this someone, as in 99.8% of cases, is someone I don’t care about, the problem does not subsist. On the other hand, if we’re talkin about that 0.02%, well then… it’s gonna be an utter prick.

This is the time of someone who is in that 0.02% of people I actually care about. Someone who got caught in the middle, made a mistake in good faith, but twisted my nerves. I got mad at this person, that’s true, but I know that sometimes I overreacted, at least with this person. And on the other side, now I feel like shit. So, all in all, now I’m not just pissed off, I’m sad also.

It wasn’t like this before, or better it still was but the situation was different: I had musics before, now I don’t anymore. When I was really made before I picked up my beloved guitar, connect it to mine even more beloved amplifier, fired up its 125 watts and shaked the ground (and we’re talkin about 32cm of concrete here). And that very same ground shaking freed me up, depured me. If I sang along with my raging voice then, result was just perfect.

Now I don’t have all of this anymore. I don’t have all of this from more than a year, when I passed the amplifier to a friend of [SkiD], askin him to fix it, and I don’t know IF and WHEN I will ever get it back in my hands. [SkiD] can’t be blamed about this, but now I really feel like in an outside world. I can’t consume my rage.

And I’m not into martial arts anymore, cause I got no time… I’m not into karate, nor capoeira, nor philippine kali… and I don’t drink anymore, and I don’t smoke anymore… I don’t have relieves, not even temporary.

To compensate that, new problems arise. I got a job which a lot would die for, but I don’t like doing it and I can’t get in the mood to just go outside and work, or more specifically, to do this very kind of job. Nontheless bosses ask, customers look up for you, time is short, too short to let you have a life of your own in the meanwhile. Some time ago, for good or worse, I found some relief into that “hobby” called net, telematical-cybernetical place where I found myself spending the greatest part of my time when I was still studying, and that stills fills up a lot of time on my shedule. And in this world, problems tend to grow up, and I just don’t know what to do anymore…

For those who still don’t know it, I am now in charge of a clan of an italian national tv show called L33T, and to be more specifical, the game I am talkin about is War Rock, an MMOFPS. This means I got responsibilities toward all clan member, and that I also need to act best for the sake of my team. And not only that. I am now become responsible for one of the 4 sections of this show’s forum, and this, as the word talks by itself, means that I got more responsibilities. I’m obviously proud of all of this, both of the fact that they found a leader for the clan in me, and the fact they thought me I was good enough for the responsibility. Still all of this is adding “charge” to my current situation.

And can you “code an elite check” for your little friends? I would have replied “mind if I got a life?” but I didnt, cause more probably I really got no life. People calls me from just anywhere, and is literally takin away every single little pice of energy I got left. And don’t you wanna think about “what to do when I grow up”? Of course, you already got a job, and related things, but if this life is not good enough for you then why not change it?

Overreactive. Nervous. Hypertense. Moodswinger. Violent. Crazy. Borderline. Obsessive-Compulsive. <Add your word here>. These are things which describe me, and always did. Or maybe not always.

There was a time as they tell me, when I was “always smiling”, when I never cried, when if I was alone in my cradle, without nobody around, being hungy, I didn’t cry: I sang. Never liked silence too much, I’ve always been inclined to make noise, but more and more recently I found myself listening to its noise and sound, as Simon & Garfunkel used to sing. There was a time I was happy, now I don’t know if I am anymore, if I ever knew it at all.

But at that time I had many friends. At that time I was in love. At that time I had a girl. At that time I didn’t yet get betrayed by my best friends. At that time I still had music. At that time I found demoscene aswell. At that time I had multiple safety valves. At that time I always had clear in mind what I wanted to do. And then, when I had doubts about the possibility to do the things I had in mind at that time, I still did go on anyway. At that time I used to assimilate as much knowledge as possible. And now that I have more knowledge than most of the people, I regret that time where I didn’t, and when I could wake up everyday without thougts harrassing my mind.

But these, as it’s well known, are other times.

Sometimes I feel like I have a tiny piece of serenity, but with just as much nonchalance I am able to screw up my life, and to make every little thing that little piece did just useless. And the fact of not knowing, for good or worse, if this, the case of the 0.02%, is a total destruction of what I slowly tried to create, is killing me.

It’s pretty well known, I seek problems. But I can assure you that if I don’t seek problems, it’s problem who seek me. And I must have some mother fucking transmitter installed on me, cause they always find me.

And in these moments I just can’t stop thinkin about what happened a few days ago… the first boss’ child, 21 years old, died. He was driving, and he brought another 3 people with him, and one is pretty critical and about to die aswell. He had money, he was happy, he didn’t have to care about anything, he was just like me, just more rich, he always wanted to party. He is now dead.

When I think about this I feel sad. I lived four years more than him, and I usually say that I don’t want to live forever, and that I’d just like to have it over soon, still I feel like having someone like him dead means there’s something wrong. And that after all I should be glad of what I have, and try not to screw it up.

I don’t know if I already screwed it all up, and now that I think about it it’s even more ironic, as I took those words from U2 – Dirty Day as something to always remember, but I just didn’t this time around. What can I say…

Be careful where you aim
cause where you aim you just might hit
and when you hold on to something so tight
you’ve already lost it

The Garden of Delights

First of all you have to know that this post will be very, very long…
Before even beginning, I will post the lyric of a song which describes me pretty well at the moment. Note that most lyrics are translated from Italian to English, so don’t yell if you don’t catch rhymes. Also, as I did it all, translations might be not as accurate as I wanted them to, although I did my best…

I’m alone, hunted down like a dog I don’t move, I die if I bark, I shut my mouth and stay kneed while the sound of anguish rises and hurts me, thin as a spike heel… holes in my heart, I bleed, tears which scream like megaphones which don’t stop and rape the darkness which bandages my eyes, a soft darkness, as a jellyfishes curtain which caresses my face with a whirr, I percept hostile sights of terror hungered animals which look into me, and from memory fogs they get back, and bite my soul in a sadic game, and I turn into a mouse in a cat pack. Naked, like a coleopteran on top of a fork, I await, but the executioner has no rush, and in the meanwhile sharpens the axe on the anguish which keeps me close to it, like a mantis jealous of her meal, which freezes my sweat into alabaster drops set on my forehead, which sleep deeply into me like shards of irrational paroxysm, and there’s no law that could control me because I’m goin crazy…

(You choosed to hit, I will defend) x8

Like an obsessed I slowly swing my head, from side to side like bears in the zoos, and in a delirium I feel like chocking up, adrenaline rises with a flash and I open wide my mouth in a silent scream, and the anguish suddenly steps back and relaxes, because there is death, made of leather, with a whip, I swallow my spittle and I enjoy it, and so if this has to be my final hour I say “Please: after you, Madame”

(Confront yourself now with your enemy, for the last time, with your head up) x4

(Frankie Hi-NRG-MC – La Cattura (The Capture))

There are also other verses, such as «It’s hard to be courageous, in a world that doesn’t care for you» (Exilia – I Guess You Know), as «I keep distance from me because I want to have nothing to do with myself, with whom, like myself, does nothing to correct ownselves: I’m my enemy, mi bitterest enemy. Warder of myself, with the key in my pocket I ask for freedom, but for now I know that this cell will be kept barred, with a triple-locked from inside: I’m the damned soul put there to guard my hell» (Frankie Hi-NRG-MC – Autodafè), «In bad company especially if I’m alone, negative as Gs in a freefall, I get airborn, rise, stall and await the worst, which is not the fall, but the landing» (Frankie Hi-NRG-MC – Autodafè), «I see your faces, I have no place, I have to run and hide all my pain. I don’t like this world, ’cause something is wrong» (Exilia – The World is Falling Down) and I stop here… at least for now…

Now the The Garden of Delights begins (for the ones who do not know the painter named Hieronymus Bosch… SHAME ON YOU!!). I skip the most painful part (for certain aspects), resuming it with a thought of mine of this morning: “When somebody runs with the hare and hunts with the hounds, someone will definitely and irreparably get hurt”. After all the this pain I felt I started writing again… enough said… I didn’t write a song in ages…

Anyway, this day started at the sign of tragedy.

I fall asleep, since I wanted to get up around 7 o’clock to start visiting my customers. I wake up around 3:40am, feeling already that a tragedy would be coming up. Watch some TV, get back to sleep, and hardly fall back to sleep… mobile rings up at 7 o’clock, I shut it down and get back to sleep… second mobile rings at 7:15am, I shut it down aswell and get back to sleep… I wake up, knowing that I’m hugely late, watch my clock and realize it’s 9:56. Hotel’s check-out is maximum at 10 o’clock. I start being blaspheme early at morning.

But of course I don’t give up, I dress up as quickly as possible, throw everything back into the suitcase, get out, ask the bill at the reception. But PC doesn’t work… after several tries I tell her that it doesn’t matter, and start singing softly “it’s a fuckin baaaad daaaaaaaaaay”. I give her my home address and she says they will be sending me. No problem.

Get into my care, do some little match, I understand that I couldn’t visit all the customers of the near cities before 12 o’clock, so I decide to skip a couple less important customers and go on as planned. And that’s exactly what happened, perfectly, so perfectly that I found myself a few miles away from my last customer in perfect time.

I start thinking about two girls, Barbie & Asteria, and I start thinking that since I would be close to Siena early in the afternoon I could have visited them in Florence. I see cops car in front of me in the same moment: I check my speed, touch my brakes a little, but I didn’t realize that there was a STOP signal. I go straight, a car comes from my left, it avoids me by the skin of the teeth, I salute death which caressed my hand, countersteer, I throw myself into the rightmost lane and… miracle… I’m alive, he/she’s alive, noone got hurt, no crashes. I check my GPS and I go on heading toward my customer. When I’m about 2000 feet away from him I see the cops car, which was before close to the STOP signal, and I immediately realized that this time I’m really screwed up. I go on praying that they are not chasing me, but their light signal trashes my hope. The cop comes toward me, pretty upset aswell, and after the usual “License & Pink Slip”, some “what are you doing here?”, a “did you realize what you just do?”, a “look as my hands are shaking… I was about to die… do you think I did not realize it?!?” of mine, he chills out and, once set his view on his car he says: “stay there, I’m gonna write a report”. Result: a  € 138 (about $175) worth fine, and 6 points (out of 22) taken out of my license. For the ones of you who don’t know, in Italy they started points-like Driving Licences: if you shits like I did they take back point. When you have no points left they take away your license. Sucks, doesn’t it? Especially I considered I need it to work, for fucks sake… but anyway…

Note. When you get away from death and think “I wish I could have died there”, there evidently is some problem. But let’s go on…

Thinking about it I realized that I never did any infraction, never hit a car, never crashed, and this time I was about to die but nothing happened… but… THE FUCKING COPS BEAT THE FUCK OUTTA ME!! Figuratively speaking, of course…

Anyway I continued with my trip, got depressed, bought a Jack Daniels bottle and a package of Marlboro (notice that I quit smoking 2 years and a half ago, and quit drinking 2 years ago) and I took the highway toward home. And I found a bunch of cars stuck and lined up worth more than 3 miles, give or take.

Anyway, once back home, at the end of this all, I maybe found a light of the tunnel…

Now I just wish that it’s not the same thing described by Chambers in Should I Fall, which is: «it’s an illusion, no guiding light, our mother’s dead and gone, we’re all alone, my brother see: this twinkling shine’s a perfidious black butterfly»…

What could I say…

Should I fall
Should I fall
Should I fall for you
Should I fall
Should I fall
Should I follow you

PS: a dear public thank you to sephicloud, because no matter if I bugged her in the last few days, she has always been very disposable, and she gave me a little hope… or at least she tried, but I am, and it’s well known, a desperate case 😉


Thoughts. They are bad things to have in mind nowadays. As for me, the only act of thinking causes me uncountable troubles, being prone to introspection. And it’s well known that having around men with bad habits it is more than just probable that you start living by same bad habits. As I, more than often, say to myself: “if you dance with the Devil and he starts looking different, he isn’t changing: he is changing you”.

I look around, I read, I get myself updated with latest news, and anywhere I look it makes me sick. I see TAV (high-speed railways currently in unwanted but forced development in Italy, in a particoular zone), and I remember of Vajont (one of Italy biggest natural disaster, caused by the creation of a dam by fool people, which lead to heavy amounts of rocks fall into the dam created lake, which caused the water to spill over in heavy amount, with a great number of deaths), I see IRAQ (and Italy joining USA armies), I remember of second world war (seems Italy is unable to pick up the right allies), I see nazifascist claiming their superiority, superiority of Benito Mussolini, I hear of people describing how to “take this people out” which comes here “stealing us jobs”. I see all of this and I think of Einstein, yeah, him:

There are just two infinite things in the world: universe and human stupidity. And I’m not that sure of the former.

I realize of what’s happening and I almost cry. As if I do not have enough things making me sad already. I believe that in all this time Italy and italians did not yet understand a mother fucking thing: almost all of them are against immigrates and pro war. They are mad at immigrates… for fucking sake… they still didn’t understand anything from our emigrations? They do not think that what our actual immigrates are living just exactly what our emigrates lived years ago? Someone still had the courage to tell me: “right, but we have been treated the same way”. AND YOU STILL DIDN’T LEARN A MOTHER FUCKING THING?!?. For fucks sake, even Algeria is better than us… yeah: ALGERIA offering solidarity towards immigrates… go Italy, go! And let’s avoid talking about religion, which as you probably already read in the whoami makes me a little on fire.

My next birthday is coming soon, a few days left, and I cannot refrain from thinking to what I have, and to how it does not change my mood. Somebody used to ask me “Why are you feeling this down? What are you missing?”, and the answer I came up with a bit ago is “Nothing… but happyness”. Since yesterday it seems that some strange kind of depression came back to me, which catches me up from time to time, and to which I am already almost used, but that tightens to me for several days nonetheless. It is like an inner emptyness which I cannot fill in any way, no matter how hard I try to. I have things to do, but no will to, things I could do, but not interesting me, I’d like to scream, but I lack necessary voice and will, therefore I can only whisper to myself. In few words I suffer in silence, as I always did and continue to. Aside the fact that now I have this website where I can let all (or part of) my thoughs flow, just like I’m doing right now. But I’m kind of starting to repent, as I always do, therefore I think I’m gonna stop right here.

I wonder why you are here, what made you read through these kind of depressing thoughts, aside casualty. Anyway I already gave you the way to explain.